July 02, 2006 @9:42 PM
busy+tired or free?
i met up with jiaming, dolores and weiling yesterday. it was brief. weiling had important matters to attend to.. [dont worry gal.. everything's gonna be fine =) ] .. missed ya guys loads.. we should hang out one day. like just go some place and chill.. and catchup... no handphones and no boyfriends allowed.. hee.
oh wells. right now i'm more or less stoning. and i'm not feeling too good about this free time that i have now. i basically hate free time. because, when i have free time. i think. and when i think, i tihnk wayy too much. and when i think wayy too much.. i start feeling depressed about stuff in life.
sometimes i just wonder. and wonder. what i'll be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years? somehow.. there's this uncertain feeling in me that's making me really upset most of the time. and i believe i have found and unorthodox cure - keeping myself busy and tired.
they just played legeally blond on tv.. elle's story is somewhat a fairytale. and fairytales like this dont happen in a reality like mine. sighs. i TRY to make myself feel better. but i jus feel much worse than crap.
i need a hug from my mum. i need someplace where i can cry my heart out and it wouldnt matter. i need to be smarter. i need to do things that i want to do. i need to have more courage to achieve things i want in life. i need luck. lots of luck.
i dont need never ending crappy stuff to keep happening to me.
i remember many years ago, a friend of mine said, "amelia, you're such an ambivalent person."
am i? am i really so equivocal that it's causing me to be so messed up? why? i ask myself. but then i'll just keep silent. simply because i dont have the answer to that question.
i feel like stuffing my face with lots and lots ice cream. and watch a trashy love show that would make me cry and cry. and feel so horrible. one problem thats bothering me. is that i dont actually know what i am so bothered about. i need a channel to vent all my anger out. i feel so bottled up. its just so hard to tell anyone how i'm feeling. because its jus simply hard to understand. i've tried telling 2 or 3 friends. but they just end up telling me i shouldnt. and the conversation ends in an awkard silence. end of story forever. this problem becomes a black mark in their books forever and ever. period.
i can write countless pages of words here. but i still wont get what i wana say out of me. because im just more stubborn than a cow.
im goes. BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
pls let me scream!
