August 29, 2005 @12:02 AM
sighs. second entry.
i lost my faith somewhere in the beginning of this year.
so many factors atrributed to the loss.
i dun wana elaborate anymore.
but then,
recently, some thing has happened in my family that i think
is kinda like a miracle.
and i think i shld attribute it to HIM.
on sat.
i went to church cos it was my ah gong's death anniversary.
it was a strange feeling as i stepped into the main hall of the church.
memories of about 2 years worth came flodding back.
all the late nights in church.
doing last min prep work for the events.
the movie screening, youth mass.
the fun. the quarrels. the celebrations. the times where me n mag would jus complain bout the rest not doing any work.
but there were fun times.
that was the time where i felt that i gave back to HIM what i thought was due.
it was always praise n worship.
prayer.
the faithful life. the life that i thought i wld nv lead.
but then i was.
it was highflying. i felt god was there.
or at least i thought he was.
but then suddenly.
everything i did. jus made what i did even worse.
he screws up my life.
my relationships both internal n external.
hai.
exams jus rubbish.
im not s stupid kidd.
i was in E1 all 4 yrs
i was the top 3 kids when i was in lower sec.
i won prizes for my top in subj.
but now. although i put in my heart n soul.
the results are jus nonsense.
hai;
things jus got reali so bad.
i realised (in my opinion)
people turn to gods spritually
so that they have this sense of security.
sense of hope. so they can look forward to something.
so religion for ME was jus a KAPUT thing.
but i duno.
that day.
when i was feelin real down.
i took out y most precious precious moments bible.
i duno why i read revalations.
then i kinda realised these stupid sufferings were what he created n put into this world.
but those things made me think again.
those tings were for those who were bad.
am i bad?
why he wan to do let these things befall me?
but anyhow. after i went to church.
i felt a strange feeling.
a long lost feeling.
but there agian.
who wld know if i wld regain all this faith i used to have.?
or will it jus sink further into the core of the earth??
i duno.
mayb u shld gif me a sign god.
i've been thinkin abt u lately.
thinkin if i wld forgive u eventually.
or u would forgive me eventually.
i duno.
pls gif me a sign.
u're bothering me.
